“What unites us as human beings is an urge for happiness which at heart is a yearning for union”. ~ Sharon Salzberg
Have you ever been standing in the grocery store putting food in your cart, or stuck in traffic on the freeway, or hitting the snooze button on your alarm clock and thought, “is this all there is? Is this what life is really all about? Is this it?” I know I certainly have. It’s hard not to get caught up in those thoughts in the daily grind of laundry, arguments, to-do lists, isn’t it?
Once, in a perhaps a more extreme moment, I was driving down the freeway, on a road that I had been on a million times before, under that same bridge, with the same billboard that had been there since I was a kid, under the same sky, on the same planet going around and around in circles.and I thought to myself, is this it? Is this all there really is? Is this what life is really all about? Driving in fucking circles around the same fucking ball in the sky doing dishes and other meaninglessness shit pretending it matters?
“I thought to myself…Is this what life is really all about? Driving in fucking circles around the same fucking ball in the sky doing dishes and other meaninglessness shit pretending it matters?
That led to another question…
What would happen if I just drove my car into that wall? Of course, I’m not naïve to think that we all don’t have moments like that, where “strange” thoughts cross our mind. We know that through the practice of “mindfulness” we can become witness to those questions and allow them to simply pass by us. But I wasn’t just wondering. It wasn’t really just a weird thought, or a momentary question. I was dying to know the answer.
I’d dealt with “suicidal ideation” since I was a kid, so this was nothing terribly new either. But something about this moment was different. There was
no longer any pain to keep me alive. Meaning that, there was no feeling anymore. No feeling at all. I was dead inside. I was eighteen at the time, and the last few years had been somewhat cataclysmic. I had spent the last couple of years between homes.
“I was dying to know the answer.”
After enduring unspeakable abuse by my mom’s boyfriend, I left her house at 15, moved to my adoptive dad’s house with a soccer team of other kids, only to have the government seize the place we lived at. My best friend died violently and unexpectedly, and my dad kicked me out. I was working for minimum wage in customer service, spending my days and nights organizing aisles of products and ringing up transactions. I was living with my boyfriend in his parent’s basement. I had bailed out on the idea of college and I quite literally had no sense of the future. The world seemed as if it was happening outside of me.
“I had no sense of connection with family, friends, God.”
My one saving grace, and I say this very cautiously and very carefully, as I know how words can easily be misinterpreted —but, it was truly only thanks to all the drugs I had done, I knew there was a world that was outside of my conscious awareness. I just didn’t know how to access it—that deeper sense of connection. Don’t get me wrong—I tried. I hopelessly tried. In relationships, in friendships, in my writing, my conversations. At that point, drugs were the only way that I could feel connected to something more. Life was not only mediocre and mundane, but also incredibly painful. I felt so resistant and empty. But at this moment, I felt nothing. And that was worse than the pain. That was worse than anything at all. I was vacant. Have you ever been there?
“It’s no wonder I was wondering if there was anything more to life.”
I was dying to know the answer to “is this it?” I didn’t realize it at the time, but by really asking that question, not just wondering it, not just pondering upon it, but really genuinely asking, so honestly and so vulnerably, and perhaps a bit hopelessly—I was opening up a portal in the universe, a pathway into exploration of the wild unknown. Once the portal was opened, there was no closing it. Life, and the meaning of it was now revealing itself to me, and there was no ignoring it. The question had been asked, the initiation had been ignited.
Now, this is not to say that I hadn’t experienced spiritual inquiry before, that I had never pondered the meaning of life and death, evolution or expansion. Certainly, I had. But I often reference this point in my life as the point of no return. I made a decision in this moment when I asked that question. Because it wasn’t so much a question as it were a command to myself. A command to find out.
To find out for MYSELF what the fuck existence was all about. And the decision was made. In that moment. I was dedicating my life toward the investigation of consciousness. It was either that, or I run myself into that wall right then, because what was the fucking point otherwise? What was all the pain, suffering, sorrow, terror, and hope worth if I didn’t make something of it? Little did I know, I would run into that wall anyway…. Metaphorically speaking, I would die. I would die a thousand deaths.
“To find out for MYSELF what the fuck existence was all about.”
Because there was no going forward until I took a deep dive backward, where I would need to examine WHY I was going in circles, why my life had landed where it was. It wasn’t going to be easy. I was trapped in my past. I was trapped in a world that lacked meaning–deeper meaning. Yes, I had moments, moments of CONTENTMENT, moments of ACKNOWLEDGEMENT , moments of FEELING LIFTED and JOYFUL —where I would think–ah, yes, this is what life is about. But they would more than often slip away. There had to be something more. There had to be something MORE. And I was going to found out what that meant.
“There Had to Be Something More.”
Unfortunately, things were not going to get any better any time soon for that 18-year-old girl . But she was fucking tenacious. I would spend the next half of my life unraveling everything that kept me wanting to drive into a wall at full speed. I went fast and I went hard. Unknowingly, I was jumping on the fast track train, a train that would wake me up beyond the mundane, the mediocrity. A train that would travel through generations and dimensions of pain that I would be picking up the pieces for. The ultimate destination would be love. But it was a long time coming. I didn’t know it yet, but the love was always there. The real story was in my resistance to it. But I’m not alone in this story. This I know. And that’s exactly why I’m sharing it.
“The ultimate destination would be love.”
Because of where I have been and because I have arrived at the other side of that pain, I can now see it more clearly than ever in the state of the world.
As a collective, we are experiencing polarizing chaos. Our world is in a >crisis of consciousness. Will we face our past and die a thousand deaths, take responsibility for our lives and the state of the world, or will we simply crash into that fucking wall?
I foresee the latter, but one thing I know for sure is that it starts with YOU. Yes, you. You healing your story. You healing your past, you facing your demons. We are but microcosms of the macrocosm, and we are in a spiritual war. Which side will you be on? The one that wants to shut down feeling and ignore it, not take responsibility for the past while continuously creating it? Or the path less traveled. The path of inquiry, exploration, surrender, responsibility, and the desire for something MORE .
“We are but microcosms of the macrocosm, and we are in a spiritual war. Which side will you be on? The one that wants to shut down feeling and ignore it, not take responsibility for the past while continuously creating it?”
I am writing this ‘BLOG’ to start a conversation that’s beyond small talk. Lets talk about CONSCIOUSNESS and PERSONAL GROWTH, HEALING, and PREVAILING . I’d like to share my healing and the maps that I made to find love and healing, to perhaps give you a short cut where I can. Spiritual healing, physical healing, financial healing, well-being healing, creative healing, and more.
Since that lonely day in my car on the freeway, I have earned a doctorate in healing and consciousness (If those sorts of things were awarded) and through story, hacks, suggestions, recommendations, and more. Because we are all so multidimensional, this blog will also be multidimensional. I can’t promise you a specific formula. Some of the blogs will be painful and intimate stories, some will be funny and humorous inspirations, some will be lists of healing remedies, recommendations, or recipes for detoxification. Some will be exploration of raw emotion and thought. All will be from my heart ❤️.
Please join me in the ARMY OF LOVE .